Okay, you’ve met this guy, and you’re kinda into him. It’s the morning after and you’re with your girlfriends for brunch and tried to explain last night’s date… but you don’t have the right words. We’re sure you’ve been there before.
We feel you. So, we’ve put together a list of lexicon that, err, don’t exist … yet. When it comes to love, sex and everything in between, some things can’t be expressed in words. Or maybe they just haven’t been invented yet.
Definition: You know, when you sleep with someone you met via social media.
Example: “He followed me on Instagram, I followed him – cue Likes and Comments. We eventually met up and it was on like Donkey Kong. My very first Instabang!”
Definition: When one person in the relationship has more baggage than the other, the person with the least entanglements becomes known as the baggage handler.
Example: “Sooo, he has an ex-wife and a kid … and I can barely keep a house plant alive. But I like him, and he fills out a pair of trunks like nobody’s business, so I’m okay with being a baggage handler.”
Definition: Aka Tinder dabbling. When you enjoy the time-wasting Swipe fest but have no intention of meeting up.
Example: “DTF? Nah, just Tindabbling.”
Definition: That feeling you get when you’re staring at your phone, waiting for those three tiny dots to just appear already.
Example: “We were in the middle of this great text banter and then … nothing. I sat there with this epic dotbelly for hours until eventually I had to put my phone away, and watch an old episode of Friday Night Lights so I had a valid excuse to cry it out.”
Definition: When you get that being in love is, like, rainbows and sunshine, but you’re okay with being single. This is the most difficult state of mind to explain to another person and have them believe it.
Example: “I’m satisfried being single but I’m so sick of trying to convince people that I really love it. What part of ‘I can do whatever I want, even eat a whole pizza with a spoon’ do they not get?”
Definition: When you wake up next to a guy for the first time, roll over and think, “Yaaasssss. Still cute.”
Example: “I met him at that seedy bar. We spent the whole night together, and I wake up to discover that not only has he cooked breakfast, he’s also hotter than I remember. Total relief nugget!”
Definition: The synonym you give a dude so your friends know who you’re talking about. Includes but is not limited to Mr Hands, Pineapple Hair, Tube Legs, Fanta Pants, Dictator Dave, Beardo McBeardy, Butt Face and Moisturiser Man.
Example: “Oh, crap, I just ran into Bacon Face. Talk about a blast from the past!”
Definition: The platonic relationship you have with that one male friend which is flirty and soul-filling but you know will never be a romantic relationship because if it ever came down to it, neither of you want that.
Example: “Sure, he’s my best friend, he’s always there for me. Plus, Mum loves him, and he’s seen me without make-up. But, eww, kissing him would be like kissing my brother. Plato’s curse, I guess.”
Definition: The angsty interim between texts in a fledging relationship every time you send a message, not knowing if they’ll write back or not. When you get that feeling, you need textual healing.
Example: “I texted asking if he wanted to hang out and he got back to me, like, a day later. In the texterim, I ate a block of choc and lots of port.”