I met him through one of my best friends. It wasn’t love at first sight per se but the physical attraction was clear from the start. As polite and well-spoken as he was, conversation flowed naturally between us. Especially when I found out we shared a common love interest for music, it was an immediate Ding! Ding! Ding!
A few months into our relationship, I was very much in love. It was smooth sailing, he accepted me for who I was and went out of his way to make me happy. “What more could I want?” was the thought that crossed my mind countless times. We were comfortably in our own little bubble, we completed each other and nothing else mattered.
Alas, nothing in life is free; I had to learn that the hard way. In exchange for the temporary happiness, I devoted myself to his social circle. He’s the kind of person who is accustomed to his surrounding, a close-knit relationship with his siblings and friends since they were in diapers. He had a routine and I dived right into it to feel like I belong.
Through our many fights and makeups, I always had a doubt in me I could never shake off. He could have said all the things I needed him to at the time but it wasn’t what I really wanted to hear. The guilt in me purposely drove him up the wall just so he would be the one to leave me first, so I wouldn’t have to live with the fact that I broke his heart.
When I finally initiated the break-up, it was one of the most difficult things I had to do. Even though it felt like a giant weight off my shoulders, it struck to me that I’ve lost myself in return for being loved. I dropped hints en route to the final “we need to talk” and the words came out like a speech I’ve rehearsed a thousand times. It was like I’ve been stuck on recovery mode for the past 3 years and someone had just rebooted my entire system.
After coming to terms with myself, I think I always knew there was an empty hole in my heart he could never fill up, no matter how much I wanted him to. I made excuses for him in my head, tricking myself to believe I would never be able to deserve another good guy if I let this one go. Only to realise later on, it was always a constant battle with myself rather than him being the cause of the problem. I chose to be in my comfort zone rather than actual happiness.
We were happy together, but I loved myself more.