6 Things A Dating Expert Knows About Love That You Must Know
Text and Interview Pamela Choo Photography Shutterstock
It’s 2019 and dating doesn’t get easier. Ride the ups and downs of love thanks to Violet Lim, CEO of dating company Lunch Actually.
CLEO (C): What are the signs to look out for in someone who’s “boyfriend material”?
Violet Lim (VL): Observe not just how he treats you, but how he treats his friends and his family, and just people in general. Because I think he can fake it for a while, but it takes a lot of effort to fake it on a very long-term basis and there’ll be a slip. I think there are many different qualities to look for. I would say maybe comparing superficial criteria with significant criteria. I always tell people, ultimately you need to know what you’re looking for. [If] you’re looking for a fling, fine, that’s perfectly fine. But if you’re really looking for a long term relationship, ultimately, the whole long list you’re looking for, does it actually match? A lot of times it doesn’t.
C: We’ve been dating and I want more. How do I drop hints I want to move things to the bedroom without seeming easy?
VL: One of the questions I get asked a lot is how do you ask a guy out without seeming like you’re making the first move. That might be applicable to this question, so my answer would be you don’t actually ask but you create an invitation for him to ask. So, it’s very subtle. It’s like you are creating all the right elements for something to happen, but you are just not saying it outright. You’re kind of just showing that if he’s going to ask for it, it’s going to happen. For example, if he’s going to drop you home, you invite him in for coffee. You avoid being so forward if you’re not so comfortable with that, but it’s you creating that environment that shows that you’re up for more things to happen.
C: My long distance boyfriend ghosted me for no reason! WTH happened?
VL: Ghosting is such a big thing because it’s just so easy to do so. I would say the less you do, the more chances he would talk to you again. Because it always comes to this whole perception of value (chances are he’s not even aware of it) but it’s probably because he perceives that your value is lower than his. So doing something about it, like pleading or asking for another chance — all of these things will continue to make him think that your value is lower. So the best thing to do is actually to just ignore him and [do things to] up your value. Be it how you look, or things that make you happy. Just show that you’re having a great time and you’re so much better without him.
C: Distance makes the heart fizzle. How do we keep the spark in a LDR?
VL: Do activities together. For example, watch a movie together. Make sure that there’s something to look forward to (like a trip to meet), and keep each other updated. The more vivid, the better.
C: It’s one bad date after another! Will I ever see the light?
VL: I would say stop, take a step back and assess the situation — because one of our philosophies is about being the right one, meeting the right one and choosing the right one. A lot of times, singles always think, “Oh, I’m single because I’ve not met the right one,” so that’s why they keep jumping into one date after the other. If you keep doing the same thing, you get the same results. Ask yourself: Are you choosing the wrong guys all the time? Are you using the right platform to meet people? Are you meeting people at the right places? What are you doing on dates, what are you talking about, how are you presenting yourself? Gather good friends you trust and ask for real advice and feedback.
C: What’re your tips on how to make things more interesting in bed without seeming like you’re asking too much or putting down your partner’s sex moves?
VL: I think definitely it’s important to have that conversation because I have seen in relationships where the couple never had that conversation, and eventually, the marriage actually breaks down because of that. I think [it’s because of] having differing expectations. I mean [perhaps] watching certain movies together that maybe have elements of what you are looking at, so with that, it’s more suggestive to him. But I think just really having that conversation where he can also share with you what he’s looking for and you can share with him. Or maybe just making it fun, like over a game and say writing down certain things. So just making it seem a bit more lighthearted but at the same time, it gets the message across.
Lunch Actually is the modern-day cupid… And it works!
- At least 4,500 couples have met through Lunch Actually.
- Many have found love using the company’s services.
- 85% of first dates arranged are rated good to excellent by Lunch Actually members.
- With over 12 years of experience in the biz, Lunch Actually is the largest dating company in South East Asia.
This story was first published in the CLEO Jan/Feb 2019 issue.